Jul. 9th, 2012

.003

Jul. 9th, 2012 12:58 am
simon_says: (sad lilo)
I feel this needs to be put into place where people can see it instead of limiting it to just one person. It has to do with more than one person. Last night, I had a meltdown that started off small and it snowballed. It fell into familiar demons and things really did get ugly. Let me explain.

It all started with frustrations about my photography site (allison-simon.com) and how no one orders anything (save a lobster) and people don't do anything to help me spread the word. I've got a huge sale in place (30% off all purchases) and I'm doing everything I can to make things affordable and accessible. I've got people that claim they're my friends and will always be there for me but what happens when I ask them to retweet and reblog? No one really does it (save a lobster). I'm in that fledgling stages where I need people to help me get things off the ground and I'm not getting much help. It's an incredibly frustrating thing to endure and I really did reach my wits end about it last night because I got my bank account statement.

I'm going to be broke by August and I can't pay my bills. Selling my art is my only source of income and there is no in in my income, y'know? I panicked and it started this spiral of woe.

This led to feeling inadequate as an artist and as a person, like I'm second rate because people can promise all they want but don't always follow through. Like the people that promise they'll buy something but instead they tell me they can't afford it but they're buying iPads and fancy trips and then going on shopping sprees when I've got prints starting as low as $8 + 30% off with the sale. I can't make it any better, I really can't! So again, frustrations and feelings of inadequacy started to take over. It started to evolve.

This led to just feeling worthless and useless and this is familiar territory. I've dealt with this for years on end now, since 2007. Let's take a tangent first.

I've become very bitter and angry towards people that have jobs, have friends, have social lives and have all around, generally good health. All of the things I would kill to have. I used to be happy for my friends but now I get so mad when they get to do anything because it just reminds me of things that I can't do. I know it isn't healthy but it is how it works out. There, back to the point from before.

I can't get a job for a number of reasons.
1. Still sick, can't be a reliable employee.
2. Been unemployed for too long. Since 2009/2010.
3. No references of any kind (professional, personal, academic).

Now, can't get a job and I so desperately want one because I want to feel like I matter and contribute to the world. I'd like to be able to say that I did something with my day and that I'm going to be able to financially support myself at some point because of it too. That's the other thing, I'm 27 and living at home with my parents. I never wanted this but because I can't work, I don't have money and I can't move out with the idea of being able to pay my rent and they've flat out said they won't pay it. I don't want them to. I want them to keep their retirement for their retirement. I also don't have friends and this is the sentence that got me in trouble. I don't have anyone within a four hour drive that's my friend. I haven't since 2007. Driving that long to see someone is a bit of an imposition because you end up spending a few days with them and you feel like you're being a burden or annoying. That could just be me, I don't know. Point remains, I don't have any friends so I can't just go out with someone to catch a movie or go shopping or grab a bite to eat or just go to the beach or some kind of daily adventure. No late night runs to the supermarket, nothing like that. There's me and the cats and now the raccoon family. My friends exist in the computer and the phone. They're friends and I know they care and I care deeply for them (all three of them), but it is so hard to be comforted by text.

So, we've cycled through from being upset about no one caring about my art to no one caring about myself and my woes and then finally to why I'm mad at everyone else because they have jobs, they have some level of financial security and they have friends. I'm an after thoguht friend when there's no one else around, when work is over and when the video games are done or boring. Then we talk to me. All three of you do it cos really, I only have the three of you as friends. Lobster, Goose and Badger. You're my only friends and I can't imagine my life without any of you but you're all so far away. I know that the computer and phone doesn't come in tops when there are actual people around.

I just want to be normal again. I want my health to calm down so I can go do things again. So I can try to get a job again or do something, maybe even travel and get pictures from new places to work with and maybe those images would sell. Maybe so I could travel to visit the three friends.

I've been useless and worthless for so long, I just want to be better again. This isn't the depression talking, this is years and years of the same demons weighing down on me that occasionally I do break and it comes surfing forward.

I didn't mean to upset people, I really didn't. I still don't see where my optimism should come from because this situation is rather hopeless at the moment. My life is not good, my life is not fair and I don't get any kind of lucky breaks. Right now, my life is shit. I'll admit to that.

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